(Sunday, September 29th…
Yesterday, yes, because I watched a movie with Derek and then collapsed into bed instead of finishing this post!)
To tell the truth, I’m on the edge of total burnout over here. This mothering thing, it’s hard! It’s a harder mission field than somewhere overseas, let me tell you.
I was crying in the shower this morning, trying to get ready for church. I think I worried Derek! He wanted to know if he did anything, and what he could do to make me OK. They kinda don’t get it, those guys! I told him no, he didn’t do anything, and no, he couldn’t do anything. Because it was just about everything! Nothing in particular, nothing logical. His shoulder helps a lot though, and those big strong arms. He told me to forget about the house, and anything else that was bothering me, because the most important things was taking care of the kids. And I wailed, “But I don’t WANT to take care of the kids!”
There you have it. I just didn’t want to be mother today.
I have a baby that’s completely dependent on me, and a 2 year old that’s still not very verbal, and so screams. A lot. He’s spoiled too. So he screams a lot. Did I mention that already?
Then there’s 4 other kids who need me. Who demand my time and energy. (Introverts don’t stockpile energy from spending time with people, they expend energy. Just so we’re clear — I’m an introvert.) Rightly so, since they’re my children and I’m their mother! I’m just worn to pieces.
Reading Mother Goose gets boring after a while. School takes up the whole week. The dirty underwear and socks just keep coming, and I still can’t get the kids to turn their socks right side out before they throw them in the hamper. The hamper they stuff so full with mud and sometimes wet towels that make mold, that when they finally bring the hamper downstairs and dump it out, it looks like 3 loads. At least. 6 loads for any other washer. (It’s a lot of clothes.)
And then I remember that I haven’t washed the sheets on any beds for weeks. Maybe months! The dust bunnies under the beds will probably eat my Swiffer mop if I go up there, so it’s best if I just stay downstairs.
They gotta eat, too, this crew of kids. So in between baby and school and baby and laundry and baby… I somehow have to feed the kids a million times a day with food that tastes good to them and does good things to their bodies. Like keep them healthy and growing strong. (Heaven forbid they get sick. What a nightmare for laundry!)
A million meals and snack times later, there are dirty dishes. But the baby is awake by now, so I can’t wash the dishes. Into my oven they go!
Yesterday was Saturday. I love Saturday’s because it means NO SCHOOL! I was looking forward to sitting and relaxing with a cup of coffee. I ground the beans, and that woke the baby. 2 hours later, my coffee pot beeped off. I flipped the switch back on, and 2 hours later, the coffee beeped off again — still in the pot! I cried about that.
I know, I know. First world problems. I try to keep perspective, really I do! But sometimes, the poop really does hit the fan. Like, if my kids are throwing Huggies diapers into it.
And there’s spit-up on the floor.
And there’s chili on the wall and curtains, and sand on my bed.
And the kids are arguing again, and I wonder if “kindness” and “love” will ever sink into their hearts?
I went to church anyway this morning, in spite of my breakdown, and it was good. I spent the morning in the nursing mother’s room — my “church.” I LOVE those moms! They remind me that we’re all in this motherhood thing together. Every time somebody asked me how I was, I just told them. Straight. I told them I was burned out. You know what? They were tired too, and their kids were giving them plenty of opportunities to “parent” too!
It was good to know we’re in the same boat. That assembling of the saints that God tells us not to forsake? Yeah. That’s my community. I would shrivel up and die without them! I’m not “better” yet. I feel better now, after a day of fellowship, but tomorrow is Monday. Tomorrow there will be more warfare.
Us parents, we’re in it for the long haul. Every day. And night. For the rest of our lives! This is why it’s maybe the most grueling mission field. It never stops! And Satan hates life, and especially life striving to advance God’s kingdom. So of course he’s going to war against our family. It’s good to know there are other warriors out there! Carry on, my friends!
P.S. from Monday: My kids’ survival mode kicked in this morning. They did laundry for me, and swept and mopped my floors! Even my bedroom.