Monthly Archives: November 2013

Lessons from our loveshack

Standard

Derek and I celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary this past weekend.  TEN YEARS!  It is a good chunk of time, huh?  My family and my dearest husband himself has been hyping up that date for months now.  Me?  I am in awe of what God has been for us, what He’s worked in us as a couple, how He’s grown us up a little, but the number “10” meant nothing special to me.   Am I defective?  Not as “in love” as I’m supposed to be?

Maybe the answer is the opposite.  I am completely in love!  My heart is secure.  Sure we’ve had a few bumps in the road, some that made us hit our heads — like, really hard — but we learned to fight for each other and for our marriage.  We’re in it for the long haul!  Why is 10 years different from 9 or 11 in tallying up a marriage?  I will still be in love 4, 5, 16 years from now, because love is a choice and every time I make that choice my “feelings” of love grow stronger.

If for nobody else other than my sentimental self and hopefully my kids someday, I’m jotting down some marriage notes right here:

1. Be Best Buddies.  I’ve read a few marriage books that suggest husbands and wives find best friends outside of marriage.  Maybe this works for some people, but it makes no sense to me!  I would rather be with my husband than anyone else on the planet.  He feels the same way, by the way!  I’d choose a coffee shop with him over time out with my sisters or a girlfriend any day, and he’d rather snuggle with me on the couch and watch a movie than hang out with the guys.

2.  Stop Being A Daughter and Sister.  I learned this one early one, thankfully!  Obviously I’m not being literal here.  You can’t unmake your familial relationships!  But early on in our marriage, whenever my family came to visit, I’d put Dee on the back burner.  Never intentionally!  Somebody graciously pointed out this flaw.  Stuff like brushing off his invitation to sit in his lap because I was busy talking to my mom, or staying up late every single night playing cards or talking to my sisters instead of going to bed with him, or going out shopping with my sisters and letting suppertime get all screwed up without even talking to him.

3.  Cook His Food!  No, I’ve never poisoned my husband with raw chicken.  I’m saying if your guy likes taco salad, make taco salad even if you hate ground beef.  If he likes bean burritos with refried beans instead of black beans, make the burritos his way.  Maybe he likes chili and salsa with NO tomato chunks.  Well, spoil the guy!

4.  Go to Bed With Him!  Not every night.  I can’t do that!  I love to stay up late.  It’s my down time.  I enjoying being alone, so even after Dee and I have finished watching a movie, or talking, or reading, I still want to be by myself for a little bit.  But after we had some issues in our marriage, I realized I was leaving him alone too much at night.  Some nights I’d go to bed with him, have sex, and then get back up.  Um, husbands like emotional connection just as much as their wife!  Men can feel “used” too.  So now, if I go to bed with Dee, which I try to do on a regular basis, I stay in bed with Dee.  (I try really, really hard!  Some nights I’m still so wired I have to get back up and read myself to sleepiness!)

5. Let Him Touch You!  I’m not talking about sex anymore.  I’m talking about stopping the dishes so he can wrap me up in a hug, instead of me being annoyed, because “Can’t he see there’s work do be done?  I’m busy!”  Most of the time, the dishes and laundry are still there when the kids go to bed.  (I know!  I should be more organized and get it done during the day.  Yeah… not happening!)  Or I walk around straightening up from the multiple explosions of life with kids.  Most of the time, Dee will help me clean up.  He’s SO sweet!  But if he wants to just crash on the couch and have me join him, I try to drop the dishes and go sit with him.  He likes to nuzzle my hair (which promptly turns greasy!), or grab my hand and pull me into his lap at random times.

6.  Speak His Language.  I think Dr. Gary Chapman is a genius for presenting the 5 love languages!  My guy likes physical touch.  When we’re walking up to his mom’s house, he wants to hold my hand.  When we’re driving in the car, he wants to hold my hand.  He plays footsies under the table, and hugs me all day long!  No exaggeration.  Part of the physical touch love language is physical presence.  Dee loves it when I sit in the bathroom while he takes a shower, just to talk.  He likes it when I sit on our basement stairs while he’s building a fire in our wood furnace, and he likes it when I keep him company while he’s working on the car.  So if I want to love on my man, I just have to hug him and be near him!  Easy.  I used to write him notes and letters, because that is just THE most romantic thing ever!  I thought.  But after discovering that he didn’t devour my letters right away, but just left them in his truck all day, I realized that words didn’t mean the same thing to him as they do to me.  Bumping shoulders and leaning on each other as we brush teeth at night means “LOVE” to him!

(He’s smart, by the way, and buys me a card AND writes in it for special events like birthdays, anniversaries, and Mother’s Day!  And he knows that words of praise will help me recover from a rough day like nothing else.  Throw in a hug while he’s praising me, and we’re all set!  Both of our love tanks are full.)

7. Let Him Talk.  Guys know how to talk.  Really, they do!  I mentioned in an earlier post how Dee used to head up to his mother’s house and talk.  Partly, he just wanted somebody listen to him talk about work and trucks and other important things to a guy!  He didn’t want to come home and listen to me go on and on and on about the kids, or complain about his mom, or tell him he wasn’t meeting my emotional and spiritual needs.  (I don’t do that anymore.  Honestly!  Except the kid horror stories.  And only because Dee gets into them just as much as me!  We love trying to outdo each other with the latest Hunsberger Kid Escapade.)  He just wants to have a turn to talk too.  Even recently, I realized that I was shutting him out when he started rambling about what the guys said at work or how he fixed the broken something-or-other.  If I truly listen, and engage (meaning, I can’t be playing Candy Crush or updating my Facebook status), he will talk and talk and TALK!  Some girls think that guys don’t want to talk about deep issues.  Well, for one, a guy’s truck kinda is a deep issue.  I get that now.  (Black smoke = Good!)  I think too, us girls have to prove that we’re capable of listening before a guy is going to open up and spill his guts!

8. Don’t Talk Dirty.  Not saying this is an excuse, but early in our marriage, I had NO IDEA how negative I sounded!  I hadn’t figured out yet that there’s always two ways to say the same thing.  Like, for example, Dee asks what he can do to help.  I can sarcastically say, “Well – the dishes are still there!”  (interpreted: “Duh — are you so stupid that you didn’t even notice?”)  or I can sweetly say, “Would you mind unloading the dishwasher?”  My husband is way more motivated to whip out his superman cape when I respect him.  Another example: our shower.  I hate cleaning our shower.  It’s the ONE thing I ask him to do on a regular basis.  I can drop a snarky comment like, “Wow — looks like this shower hasn’t been cleaned for months!”  Or, “Hey Babe, do you think you could clean the shower this week?”  (I could go on and on and on…)  Two ways to talk — but we BOTH win when I speak respectfully, because of course my husband is going to feel like wearing that superman cape all the time!

9. Be Grateful. I wrote a post about a clothesline the other year.  My guy loves to be noticed and appreciated!  Don’t we all?  Men and women are not different in this area, for sure!  Even though we know our rewards are in heaven, we still want somebody to see us now.  To thank us for our gifts of time and service, however little.  This is where marriage is a beautiful thing!  Dee and I get to be each other’s witness.  To notice little details that the rest of the world misses.  When we express gratitude, we’re saying, “I see what you’re doing, and I appreciate you.”  It makes us matter.  Tonight, Dee had supper ready, the dishes done, and the coffeepot ready to go when I got home late from a long trip to the hospital with Kirstyn.  Maybe some wives would feel comfortable acting like that’s the least their husband could do!  I just gushed with gratefulness.

10.  Read Your Bible.  I find this funny, for some reason!  Often when I sit down to read my Bible in front of Derek, he compliments me and tells me he’s proud of me.  Um, okay!  I read my Bible to be closer to Jesus, but if it makes my husband happy, than it’s a win/win situation for me!  I think he just likes knowing that I’m with him on this hard road of marriage and parenting and life in general.  We’re on the same page.

I thought I’d irritate you OCD folks by writing about 9 or 11 things — ’cause I’m ornery like that — but 10 things just happened naturally.  Happy 10th Anniversary to me and Dee — feel free to send chocolate and happy wishes our way!

My tree obsession continues

Standard

In the shower this morning, I sang “This World Is Not My Home.”  I am NOT a shower singer, but the baby on the floor needed some entertainment.  I was a good candidate!

“This world is not my home, I’m just a passing through, my treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue…”

(Thank you, Russian children, for requesting this song every single Sunday!  The words are imprinted permanently.  It’s a good thing.)

The water soaked into my skin, and these words soaked into my soul.  Roots.  I’m sprouting roots right now.  I can’t see them, but the seeds I’m planting in my kids are sinking somewhere into their little hearts.  I know, because I remember words and feelings from my childhood that my parents probably never dreamed were important.

Brainwashing children is a parental privilege.  Don’t you ever let the government tell you otherwise!

THIS world is not my home.  THIS world is just the passing-through one… the road… the adventure on my way Home.

“If heaven’s not my home, then Lord, what would I do?”

I have not the foggiest!  If there wasn’t a bigger purpose for the endless mac and cheese, and the supper dishes that I’m still working on when they come back and plop down for more food… Well, I’d probably throw in that dish towel.

The unseen is my hope —  the roots of our family tree, and that eternal fruit we are producing.

I love how each family member contributes to our root system.  Our tree will sway violently at times.  I know this.  We will be typhoon tested.  And wouldn’t we want to be?  If there’s no wind trying to blow its way through us, maybe there’s no tree to speak of.  Right now my roots are being tugged at.  It’s a hard time.  But my strong husband is holding me down, and my kids too.  When they climb all over me and fight for the spot closest to Mommy…  When my baby eats my face with her wet, sloppy kisses…  Our roots are twisting together and growing deeper.

And the best part?  We’re part of a bigger root system, grounded in the Giver of Life.

Blown over backwards maybe, like palm tree fronds touching the sand, but not destroyed.  Because this world has no sway over my eternal destiny.

Aside

In my head, I begged them not to make me leave.  I entertained thoughts of hiding in the bathroom, up on a toilet seat, until all the librarians had locked up and headed home for the night.

Then I remembered that my 3 month old would need milk, and I don’t have a whole freezer full of pumped breast milk, like my sister-in-law.  In fact, I have none.  Zero.  So I would eventually have to go home and nurse my baby.

I love nursing my baby!  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s one of my favorite things in the whole wide world!  But guys, I’m still so worn out.  Exhausted.  The baby falls asleep around midnight some nights, and the 2 year old wakes up at 6:30am.  (EVERY morning.)  Today, I couldn’t even remember if I’d brushed my teeth.  I usually forget to brush my teeth until late in the day, but today I couldn’t even remember if I’d remembered yet or not.

So my husband sent me out.  I’ve been acting weird and mopey for days, but I always tell him I don’t want to go out, I’ll be fine if I can just get a break.  Anyway, what would I do with the baby if I went out?  Tonight though, I jumped at the chance when he offered to watch all 6 kids.  I needed to get out of the house!  I brewed some coffee and headed to the library, even though it was closing 25 minutes after I arrived.

My first outing sans baby!  I filled her belly up with milk and handed her off to Daddy.  It was NOT hard!  Even though she’s sweet and amazing, it was nice to drive down the road without listening to baby sounds, waiting for adorable to turn to urgent.  I didn’t have to reach behind me and squeeze Sophie giraffe while trying not to wreck.  I drank my coffee instead.

Half my coffee was still in my travel mug when I arrived at the library, so I brought it inside and plopped down in the cozy new reading nook.  Well, after I returned books and paid my overdue fine of $4.80 and Kirstyn’s overdue fine of $13.80.  Yep — we’re keeping the library in business!  Thank US, local friends, for all the new books our library is able to buy for your children.

I sat there, in a cozy reading chair, sipping coffee and reading about Garion and his traveling companions.  (For my curious friends, I’m working through the fantasy series The Belgariad by David Eddings.  AWESOME books!  Probably my favorite literary world since Narnia.)  I knew the clock was ticking close to 5:00pm, but when the librarians kept walking by and glancing my way, I knew they were wondering if I’d leave of my own accord or if they’d have to drag my out of the cozy corner.  Like I said, I entertained thoughts of spending the entire night with thousands of books, but I did the responsible thing and left the library.

I thought I’d bring my book to a local coffee shop and read some more, but they closed at 5:00pm too.  Yeah, small town!  I was a pitiful sight, peering inside the warm, softly lighted shop, empty coffee mug in hand.  I did, however, refrain myself from pounding on the door and begging somebody to give me the leftover coffee and let me stay for just 15 minutes.  You know, because those people had babies to get home to as well.

My babies were probably missing Mommy…

I was starting to miss them…

Isn’t it funny?

I did stop at the Goodwill first, and shop around a bit.  After all, why waste the generous goodwill of my husband, and the full belly of a sleeping baby?  She didn’t need me yet.  Hopefully.  I wouldn’t know if my husband was trying to frantically tell my otherwise, since my phone was dead in the bottom of my purse.

I bought, if anyone is wondering, 2 books (never enough), 7 bowls (mine keep breaking), a “Welcome” sign, 1 pair of shoes, and 1 chair.  I’ve been looking for an arm chair to put in my dining room, and I found it!  You’d think with a whole, entire basement full of couches, we’d hang out down there, but we only sit downstairs for movies.  My kids and I end up all trying to squish on the one loveseat in my dining room!  It’s the kitchen.  The hub of the house.  Your kitchen is like this too, right?  It doesn’t matter that their bedrooms are huge, the entire basement is finished and full of toys, and there’s acres and acres of outside to play in.  All 6 of my kids want to be with Mama.

So I came home.  And that 2 year old and my 4 year old had their faces pressed against the glass door, watching for my return.  They ran outside in their bare feet (I’ve trained them well!) and climbed up in my lap before I was even out of the car.  I think they missed me. The kitchen looks amazing — thanks, Babe! — and the rest of the house still kinda looks like a wreck.

It kinda looks beautiful to me.

(I wonder if all the book characters come alive after dark, like in Night at the Museum?  I guess it’s good the books are locked up…)

The time I ran away to the library